Not Afraid to Feel

It's 11:03 am. I'm looking out my bedroom window at the white sky and listening to the rain fall. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do today as my furbaby Sasha is sleeping next to me. My other two babies are also napping. I'm also thinking about tomorrow when I go back to work. It's going to be a rainy day schedule which is the worst! I would rather be on the playground and I'm sure the students would too. I know that we need the rain and I am thankful for it but it makes the day difficult. We will probably put on a movie that no one wants to watch and the volume will be so low that no one will be able to hear it. Besides all that, I will be working the crosswalk in the rain and the bus. Unless, at the end of the day, a teacher opens her classroom for us. It looks like it is going to rain all week. Oh well, I will be thankful for it anyway! 

So, my plans for the rest of the day are to take care of myself. I'm going to put on my yoga pants and workout. I'm going to do the elliptical first. Then stretch. Then a yoga practice. Then a meditation and end with prayer. I've already done a mani and a pedicure so eventually I will do a facial. I'm also going to work on my book. I'm not sure if I want to work on Book 3 or Book 4. Lastly, I need to figure out dinner. Oh, and yes, my house is clean and the laundry is done. Thrills! 🙄

With all that said, I'm going to discuss how I am feeling. It's been a very difficult 15 years. As you already know, I've lost my parents and a lot of loved ones including furry babies. There has been a lot of sadness and heartache. I know that stress does horrible things to ones health so I am on a journey to get my health and my life back together. My normal state of mind is happy and silly. I would like to be that person again. Now, my state of mind is teetering on sorrow and autopilot. That isn't good enough for me! To use a metaphor, it's like a clock that is broken inside. All the pieces are rattling around but desperately trying to find their way back to each interlocking piece. Maybe at the end of this journey, I'll be put back together again. In the meantime, I'm not afraid to feel how I feel and deal with those feelings and find solutions for them. Be with me as I start this journey. I actually officially started on 2-11-26.

My routine is:

Spiritual: I read God's word and pray.

Physical: Yoga, strength, stretch,  meditation and eat good/healthy food+get enough water/tea.

Mental: I read and learn new things.

Emotional: I journal about anything and everything.

Other:

*I write my books because it is important to me to indulge in the things I love.

*I take care of my home and pay my bills 

*Of course, my biggest love next to God are my "kids."

Please, take care of yourself and be who you really are. Love God and take a close walk with Him. One more thing...never be afraid of what you feel!

11:27 am.

Eyes and Ears

Ryder asked me what movies I watch. So, I decided to create a more extensive list of movies, TV shows and music I love/like. I'm sure there is more and I will add them if I think of them.

MOVIES: 🎬

Clue, The Secret Garden (1993), Star Trek (all), Star Wars (all), Harry Potter (all except the 6th one), Letters to Juliet, Only You, Bed of Roses, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Thor (first one), Center Stage (first one), Ballet Shoes, Finding Neverland, Chocolat, Pirates of the Caribbean (all), Benny and Joon, Indiana Jones (all), The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, A Little Princess, Matchmaker, Fairy Tale: A True Story, Under the Tuscan Sun, Secretariat, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, A League of Their Own, White Nights, My Life in Ruins, Chasing Mavericks, The Longest Ride, The Perfect Wave, Soul Surfer, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, The Martian, The Muppets Christmas Carol, Toy Story (all), Pee Wees Big Adventure, The Goonies, Stick it, Big, Beauty Shop, Last Holiday, I Am Sam, Double Jeopardy, Cool Runnings, Meatballs, Groundhog Day, Moonlight and Valentino, Jumanji, Savannah Smiles, The Other Sister, Ghost, The Sandlot, etc...

CARTOONS: 🧸

Scooby Doo, My Little Pony, Star Wars Rebels, Looney Tunes, the Tinkerbell cartoons and all the Peanuts ones (the Christmas one is my favorite), etc...

MUSIC: 🎵 

I love Classic Rock! Def Leppard, Duran Duran, Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Joan Jett, Van Halen, Enya, Queen, George Michael, Pat Benatar, Boy George, Roxette, Journey, Berlin, Cyndi Lauper, Abba, etc...

I also like Adele, the soundtrack to Airbender, Harry Potter, Narnia, Chocolat, The Secret Garden (1993) etc...

TV Shows: 🖥️

Old classics are the best! Brotherly Love, Til Death, The Brady Bunch (it's so dumb, it makes me laugh), Three's Company, The Golden Girls, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Seinfeld, The King of Queens, etc...

Best DVDs for yoga:

Anything by Rodney Yee!

However and Whoever

"If I am anyone else but me, I will always be second best." Cher Bear.

This is an axiom that I live by. If God made us all perfect just the way we are, then I know that who I am is who I am supposed to be. 

The American College dictionary defines axiom as such-A self-evident or universally recognized truth. 

We are all exactly the way we are supposed to be. We are all supposed to be walking a close walk with God. We are all given eternal life for those that accept the gift of salvation. We all have a home in heaven. With that said, the meaning of life is very clear. We just need to live it. So, I did and I do. 

I always knew I was different. This is something I have felt since childhood and it is still felt today. I can recall numerous times that others have made it known that I don't fit in, then and now. In preschool I wanted to swing on the swings while everyone else played elsewhere on the playground. In the workplace, I don't fit in with my other coworkers. This is something that I have accepted about myself years and years ago. Instead of feeling sorry for myself or feeling bad about myself or dealing with loneliness, I embraced myself and developed the person God made me to be. Since I choose to dive in and NOT be afraid, it has only made me a better person. I want God to be proud of me. It doesn't matter what others think. If I feel lonely, I turn it into something positive. I take that solitude and give it the power to bloom into something good! I take a long walk, I look more closely at nature, I practice yoga, I do a meditation and I say a heartfelt prayer. I thank God for who I am. 

Never be afraid of who you are. Hold tight to everything about yourself. Don't change yourself to fit in. You can lose yourself that way. If you feel like you are fighting to fit into what you think is the most fitting space then you are only fighting with yourself. Don't fight something...that's a clue that what you are doing is the wrong thing. Find the right thing and get on the right path. It's not meant to be scary. It's your life and the path God provided for you. Honor God by taking that walk.

Shout Outs

When I get up at 6:30 five days week, I think about what makes my job special. There are so many people at my work that makes getting up early worth it. I am thankful for each and every one! 

A special shout out to Ryder, Fatimah, Alex, Ariella, Hosea, Azariah, Elijah, Xiomara, Cassandra, Kaleb, Aubrey, Macy, Aimee, Riley, Jade, Liam, Quinton, Payton, Tara, Tonya, Serena, Tracye, Patty, Denise, Elisha, Cathy, McKayla, Maria and so many others!

Memories Shared

When I think about the memories I have, I think about the memories others have too. I'm sure you have heard of the golden rule. "Treat others the way you want to be treated." These words may sound overused but it holds tremendous value! This is something I live by. I also choose to live in the now but I plan for my future. When I think about my past, I contemplate what memories those I once knew are left with. I hope I leave others with a reason to smile!

When I was growing up, I never felt like I had to be anyone other than myself. I wasn't trying to set an example. I wasn't trying to fit into the box perfectly. I just wanted to be me. I have a vivid memory of when I was a child at church camp. I was doing arts and crafts and I approached the adult in charge and asked her if I was putting the pieces together right. She started to help me and realized that she had constructed the felt pieces incorrectly. I saw the perplexed look on her face and said, "Well, no one's perfect." Then I smiled at her. I saw the nervous look on her face change into a happy one. It was one of those moments you share with another that makes life beautiful. 

Here's a biggie that I have thought about for a long time...almost all parents want the best for their child/children whether you are a kid or an adult kid. No matter how old someone is, they are still someone's child. So, if you give the best of yourself to someone else, in return, you will receive the best back. This is something that will always be remembered by anyone that knows you. Whether it be for a fleeting moment or decades of your life. I believe if you live with your heart and with your soul, there is no way you can ever go wrong. Keep God at the forefront and draw close to Him. Your life will be full of love and happiness and God will bless you abundantly. 

Here is the flip side: Think about how easy it is to hurt someone. Think about how easy it is to be a bully. To be hateful. To be disrespectful. Now, think about being the one that is being bullied. It hurts, doesn't it? As bad as it is to endure the pain of someone being cruel, I would rather be the one being hurt than to be the one doing the hurting. I don't ever want to live that way! I could never be cruel to another. That means animals too. It's not something I had to decide about my own life, I just naturally and authentically lived my life that way. It wasn't until I was older that I realized how we all impact each others lives. I care about others and how they feel. I want to live my best life. It just was. I was just being me, just as I am right now. I wanted to make good memories then and I still do. I don't want to live with regrets. I am a very spiritual person that lives my life deeply through my soul. I wouldn't have it any other way. When I am sad or when I am given any kind of difficult life challenge, I draw upon the strength that God gave me and I conquer the storm. When I am happy and thankful, I do my best to be a light for someone that needs to be comforted from its warmth. My hope for all of us, is that we live our lives the way God wanted us to as if Adam and Eve never sinned. My love to all of you!

Things To Pray For

There are things that I need prayer for. Your prayers are most appreciated. It means the world to me that someone takes the time to talk to God about my needs. 

I recently pitched my books to a Christian Publishing Company and I'm waiting to hear back from them. I hope it's a yes! I have worked so hard on my novels. I also entered two of my poems in a poetry contest and I am waiting to hear back from them too. I reached out to my brother and I am hoping he will act more like a brother instead of a stranger. I am hoping my childhood friend will move back to California so we can resume our friendship. Talking on the phone just isn't enough. My last hope is that I find a way to put my life back together after losing my two best friends...my mom and dad. I was talking to my friend Tiffany and I used a metaphor that showed exactly how I feel. I told her it's like looking at a beautiful stained glass window that begins to crack in various places until it crumbles to the floor. Each crack is something that has broken my heart. Now, it is my job to put the pieces back together. I pray that I can. 

If you are in need of prayer, please reach out to me and I will be happy to pray for you. We are all in this together. Thank you for your kindness.

We Should

I think we should celebrate life. I don't think we should wait till someone passes to acknowledge who someone was. The time is now. Have you ever noticed how empty we feel when we live with regrets and how full we feel when we live with love and kindness? Every day there should be something to treasure. Be that light in someone's day. I don't think anyone ever grows tired of hearing, "I love you." 

I am reminded of a poem that Leo Buscaglia read by one of his students. 

-But You Didn't 

By Merrill Glass

Remember the time you sent me your car, and I dented it?

I thought you'd kill me...but you didn't.

Remember the time I forgot to tell you the dance was formal and you showed up in jeans? 

I thought you'd hate me...but you didn't. 

Remember the times I'd flirt with other boys just to make you jealous, and you were? 

I thought you'd drop me...but you didn't.

Remember that day I dragged you to the beach and it was raining as you said it would? I thought you'd say, "I told you so." But you didn't. 

Remember that day I spilled cherry pie all over your new carpet? I thought you'd tell at me. But you didn't.

There were plenty of things you did to put up with me, to keep me happy, to love me, and there are so many things I wanted to tell you when you came back from Vietnam but you didn't.-

We need to take the time to tell one another that we love each other. We need to put the most important things first. The most precious aspects of our lives should be the biggest part of our lives. Imagine how beautiful life would be if we lived creating our memories boldly. Not a drop of time will be wasted if you live your life with purpose. The Cambridge dictionary defines purpose as determination or a feeling of having a reason for what you do. 

Don't wait for a time that will never come. The time is now.

Ephesians 5:1 

Follow God's example, therefore as dearly loved children.